I always find the first entry of any journal to be the hardest. It’s especially tricky for me when it’s public. It’s way scarier than it probably should be. Also, on a blog like this, I noticed pretty quickly that autosaved drafts seem to get posted immediately, and for someone who re-drafts only about a thousand times before actually committing to a decent piece of literature for public consumption, it’s more than a little nerve-wracking to know everyone could possibly be watching me work in (kind of) real time. I’d be really surprised to hear anyone was actually doing this, BUT YOU COULD. And what if you see my typos and ill-organized thought trains?! And what if I say something really, REALLY dumb and I don’t have time to delete it before it auto-saves? And then everyone can realize how dumb I am?!
But then, as I started on this mental tangent of the permanency of “the first post” and potential for premature peer scrutiny, I realized it was sort of mirroring how I felt sitting in class at Warner anyway. In both cases, I’m starting on something new. I may have a little bit of background here and there to get my footing and to make me feel confident enough to move forward, but then I dive in. And everything around me is new and different (and yeah, a little intimidating). Different audience, different brain food to ruminate on, different goals…. different literacies!* And in both cases, I have this wonderful set of people who are all inherently fascinating but still feel a lot like strangers to watch me flounder in self-doubt at every step of the way. Awesome.
… but this isn’t how I think about it with respect to Get Real Science! and the T&C curriculum in general. Every time someone asks me about the program I’m in, I find myself immediately spewing praise about the support structure we have in place and how all the group work facilitates a sense of comfort in such a rigorous program and the network of contacts I already feel like I’m a part of. Hmm. So why am I freaking out again?
I’m making this first public blog post. So are the rest of you. I’m taking the first steps towards becoming this amazing educator and agent of change. So are the rest of you (except probably Yen and Jeremy… and Joe). We all have different experiences and talents that got us here, and just from perusing the titles of the posts that came before mine, I can tell I’m probably not the only one who still feels a certain measure of uncertainty. It’s probably one of the first times I’ve really related my conceptual feelings about the wonders of being in a group like this with the constant feelings that I’m sitting in this room full of amazing people who are all obviously way more talented and aware than I am. Every bit of this journey though GRS! is a step we’re taking together… and I realize now that I like that. A lot. I’m not trying to change the world on my own, and I’m not marching boldly into the wide world of education without back-up. Even as I wrote this post, the lingering anxiety is quickly turning into excitement. I’m pumped not just for my own potential but to see what you lot can do too.
My hope is that it stays that way. That even when I’m off in a classroom of my own, I’ll have a place to share what will likely be more floundering with an open forum. That when you go off and do wonderful things, I can let it inspire and motivate me like it’s already started to do. If it all starts with a mildly spastic first blog post in which you can judge my typos and glare at my literary faults, then so be it. It’s a reflection that’s put me more at ease than any amount of readings or lectures could ever do. So thanks guys, and I can’t wait to get to know you. 🙂